Rabbit In The Headlights: How to stop freezing when you speak

Posted on February 20, 2012 by @dmin_goddess

So many clients ask me what to do when they “freeze and go blank” when speaking or  introducing themselves to a group. These are symptoms of performance anxiety. It mostly occurs in more “formal situations” where we believe there is a high likelihood of judgement  – “I might fail” or “I might be be disliked or rejected”.

For some people, a “formal” situation like an interview or a meeting, induces a near state of panic with emotions and negative thoughts tumbling out of control, overriding rational sense. Have you ever tried to comfort a “nervous public speaker” by telling them to “just relax and be themselves”? It’s just not going to cut it. They cannot hear you when gripped by mental, emotional and physical paralysis and are likely to keep on doing the same thing, over and over and not moving forward. Just like a rabbit in the headlights.

It Feels Worse Than It Looks
Freezing when public speaking generally feels much worse to the speaker, than it looks to the listener. A 30 second blank, can look like a pause. Taking time to gather your thoughts is appreciated by listeners because it means  you are thinking about what you say in the present moment, not repeating mechanised rote. When I film clients for the first time giving a talk, they are amazed that their occasional blank moments come across as natural pauses. What is important is how they deal with it then and there. Running away or giving up just makes it worse the next time.

Train Your Inner Bunny To Survive
Here’s a great story I heard once to explain how to break the freeze and blank pattern:

“To ensure your survival in a burning building like a hotel – when you check in, take the time to read the evacuation procedures and map. Then physically open your door and walk down the hall, counting the number of doors between you and the exit. Ideally, go through the fire door, down the stairs (stay below floor 6!) and out the building. Should an evacuation be necessary, you are much more likely to find the exit because your mind/body remembers everything and you’ve already practised. When you panic, you freeze and stop thinking rationally. So many people die because they freeze and don’t know how to respond to the situation. Instead, just let  your body remember to take over and help you.”

How To Stay Connected To Your Flow

  • Prepare head and practise. I don’t mean in your mind. I mean with your whole body. Stand up and walk over. Read the thing or say it outlaid. Practise pausing and making eye contact. Wait for responses. Imagine question and answer. Then, practise finishing. Consistently we underestimate or overestimate our capacity depending on our level of self esteem on the day. Practising gives you a reality check and confidence in your ability to handle the situation.
  • Don’t whine, beg for rescue or run screaming from the room. Own it. Take a breath, feel your feet, wait for the tears to stop, say “Gee I’ve gone blank – bear with me…” and start from where you left off. Admitting your vulnerability is a bridge builder. People admire seeing triumph over adversity. It’s inspiring, energising and opens conversations and hearts.
  • Plan to use less words  and express your message with your whole body. This is also a great technique if you feel blank around potential cuties. Simply: face your listeners with your whole body, face and make sustained eye contact – this indicates your interest in being with them. Use your hands and facial expressions. Use props to help you remember your points or to make your point for you. For instance, if you are talking about a book, bring that book with you, show a slide or refer to a handout. It is so much easier to talk about a THING if you have that THING in your hands.

I once warbled my way through a 10 minute speech by singing 6 or 7 different 1930′s show tunes with a few words in between. Once I realised how well that worked, the tyranny of writing and remembering a clever speech went out the door. You really can do ANYTHING to get your message across once you take the pressure off yourself believing there is only one right way to speak. The key is to find the way that’s right for you. And then you will have found your very own source of  flow.

© 2012, Geraldine Barkworth, authentic public speaking coach for women. Geraldine shows clients how to connect with any audience by being real, raw and authentic, rather than perfect, polished and “powerpointed.”

Contact Geraldine at http://www.goddessofpublicspeaking.com.au/

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February Talk Tip

Posted on February 6, 2012 by @dmin_goddess

Maintain gentle eye contact with one person at a time. Focus on people who are receptively listening to you. Stay with one person long enough to watch your words land on their face, for you to see the connection occur between you. Allowing yourself to stay still with one person at a time says without words, “I see you, I hear you, I am with you”.

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January Talk Tip

Posted on January 2, 2012 by @dmin_goddess

To be credible and real when you speak, let your body talk for you. Actions do “speak louder than words”. We watch movement before we process word meaning. Make sure the messages your body sends to your audience are congruent with your verbal message.

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End With A Bang, Not A Whimper

Posted on December 19, 2011 by @dmin_goddess

About 90% of my clients struggle with ending their presentation on a powerful, memorable high note. For some reason, it seems  the opening and the guts get all the attention, while the ending is an apologetic tack on – ‘oh yeah – sorry – this is the bit where I ask YOU for something…”

Modern western society often seems to struggle with both letting go (death) and asking for what they want (assertion).

Whoever is speaking at any given time, is the Leader of the Moment. And that includes one to one conversations as well as formal presentations to a group. Listeners take their cue from the Speaker… otherwise how do they know when it’s their turn to speak, when to ask a question or if its time to move on?

Even more significantly, how can listeners / clients trust what you are saying or follow your advice, if you don’t appear to trust yourself? Your non verbal signals  speak more powerfully than you.

Forgetful Whimpers

“Trailing off” affects both the speaker and the listener, not to mention your career. In particular:

  • Your listeners look to you for cues as to what to do next. If you don’t lead, someone else will take over.
  • Your message or conversation gets dissipated, lost in the melee of fading umms, ahhs and sad darting eyes. It is your ending, not your message that will be remembered unfortunately.
  • Your self confidence suffers when you finish on a hesitant quaver, reverberating through your voice to your inner core beliefs about your ability to get what you want and to be heard.

Memorable Bangs

  • Before you structure your talk, decide on the purpose and outcome you want for you and your listeners. HINT: Being clear about the outcome and your purpose is VITAL to end well.
  • State your intended outcome at the beginning of your presentation. The rest will then flow in a smooth, logical manner toward that outcome and your listeners will join the dots and know what to expect. In other words, Listeners will see the point if you spell the point out.
  • If you feel yourself meandering, just stop right there. Take a breath and look around. Take your cues from your listeners. Ask them if you are unsure: “Is that clear? Do I need to add anything else?” In other words, have a conversation with them.

Quite often, when people struggle with an ending, they have delivered a monologue, based on the assumption that they are solely responsible for delivering everything perfectly and they will be judged accordingly. It’s a heavy burden… no wonder many of us start to falter at the end of a presentation / conversation.

Completion for 2011

Ending anything is about letting go. Easier said than done I know. Learn to “let go” of your words and trust they will be received with the good intent with which you send them. This is a good point on which to finish the last blog for 2011. The theme for 2012 is “Shut Up and Let Your Body Talk: How To Use Your Physiology To Speak”.

© 2011, Geraldine Barkworth. Geraldine Barkworth is a holistic public speaking coach for women in business. She shows clients how to connect with any audience by being real, raw and authentic, rather than perfect, polished and “powerpointed.”

Contact Geraldine at http://www.goddessofpublicspeaking.com.au/

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December Talk Tip

Posted on December 5, 2011 by @dmin_goddess

Take your time to establish trust and rapport whenever you speak. I understand the driving urge to race upstream toward the finish line, but I advise you to take the scenic route instead. Speaking in public is about giving and receiving on both sides. Make it feel like a conversation, not a 60 second download.

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November Talk Tip

Posted on November 28, 2011 by @dmin_goddess

Speaking to the Board or Team Meetings offer you an opportunity to develop intestinal fortitude and emotional intelligence. And neither appears on the Meeting Agenda. There’s a lot you can learn beneath the surface – about yourself and others – communicating under pressure brings out the best and worst in people.

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Letting Go Of Self-Consciousness

Posted on November 22, 2011 by @dmin_goddess

So many times I get asked about a cure for self-consciousness. Self-consciousness is the acute feeling of separation from everyone else. The strong feelings it generates  include loneliness, of being “different”, not being “good enough” or being rejected.  Or, feeling like you’re “under a microscope.”

When you speak to a group, you visibly and energetically set yourself apart from your herd. Speaking up does require a kind of courage. The courage to show yourself to others. And why do bigger groups seem scarier than smaller ones? Well there’s just so many more wild cards you potentially  have to control and convince and rejection could occur on a really, really big scale…

There is however, a straightforward antidote to self consciousness in front of groups. A few quick tips will not suffice; I’m going to give you one big piece of advice:

Change your belief that you are not separate but connected to your group by the very thick cord of humanity which binds us all. It is your vulnerability that reaches out heart to heart to deepen your connection to the group. When you hide it, you hide yourself and your group just  gets meaningless drone, pie charts and technical facts. They can get that reading a report.

When a group shows up to hear you, they want to hear, YOU. When you fail to show up yourself, you are choosing to separate yourself from your group. And entering stage left,  creep in feelings of being different or not being good enough.

Before you speak to a group, rather than reduce yourself to the size of a protoplasm under a microscope, see yourself as expansive and strong, perhaps like a giant tree or mountain. Try sticking them under a microscope!

Be that tree! Be that mountain! Take yourself out from under the microscope and don’t let yourself be diminished by your fear. Couldn’t this be something to relax and expand into, rather than shrink and pull away from?

And when your time comes to step forward and lead your group, breathe into your core and connect with yourself, feel your feet on the ground, let yourself expand and open up to receive the positive attention flowing your way, if you let it in. Use your whole body to express your message – be large. And be with one person at a time.  Don’t try and “work” the whole group, just enjoy a series of one to one conversations, one human being to another.

Want to have a go at losing self-consciousness? Goddess Of Public Speaking now offers a step-by-step Do It Yourself e-Workbook for nervous public speakers wanting to free their Inner Public Speaker by themselves. How often have you wanted to heal this old fear of speaking in public, or just learn how to do it with authentic, natural ease – but never seemed to find the time, the groups were inconvenient or too confronting, or you just couldn’t afford it?

The Confidence & Connection E-Workbook is the answer for you, offering self paced, step by step, low cost learning. View the Sample Pages and listen to the MP3 sample.

© 2011, Geraldine Barkworth. Geraldine Barkworth is a holistic public speaking coach for women in business. She shows clients how to connect with any audience by being real, raw and authentic, rather than perfect, polished and “powerpointed.”

Contact Geraldine at www.goddessofpublicspeaking.com.au/

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Take Control As MC

Posted on November 1, 2011 by @dmin_goddess

Time to bring out your inner control freak. Forget all that mush about egalitarian sharing. The fact is, as MC you must take control of your Event or anarchy will prevail. Anarchy includes people talking too long, ignoring the agreements and cues to finish, interjecting, power plays, energy dissipation… the list goes on. To ensure that every one gets a chance to speak but not at the expense of others, take control to protect everyone’s right to be heard and to keep the show on the road. Here are tips for MC’s to work effectively with both sides of the fence, Guest Speakers and The Audience.

Guest Speakers
Make personal contact with Guest Speakers beforehand and advise your requirements for the Event. This defines a clear boundary of expectation on either side. Be sure to include: length of allocated speaking time, clarify purpose of speaking topic and intended outcome, whether it’s interactive, time or not for questions, expected start and finish time for speaking. Provide Guest Speakers with the Program so they can see their own place within it and understand how to fit the context. After all it’s your Event, not theirs.

When the Guest Speakers arrive, connect with them personally – as the MC your job is to help them feel at ease. While chatting, reinforce the length of time they have to speak. Ensure they understand the Program is packed and keeping to time is important – check their understanding by looking into their eyes. Discuss the signals you will send to let them know when they are Close To Time, or Time to Wrap Up or Time To Finish. This reinforces there are consequences to poor time management and that as MC, you willing to take immediate action to keep the show on the road for everyone’s benefit.

When the Guest Speaker is presenting, make sure you follow the agreed signals. Sometimes Guest Speakers get on a roll and can’t stop, or become addicted to the adrenaline rush of all that attention, so as the MC, it’s is your job to shepherd them graciously off the stage so that others will have their turn.

Thank and acknowledge the Guest Speaker privately as well as publicly. This also sets up a good management relationship for next time.

The Audience
When the “floor is opened to questions”, things can get very exciting if you are dealing with contentious issues. Your diplomatic lion tamer skills are needed. (You may find it useful to watch Jenny Brochie the facilitator from the SBS television program, Insight, for great role modeling.) Of course if the subject fails to raise a ripple of interest, you may want to have some staged questions or prepare some of your own if the Audience is quiet.

Prompt Audience interaction by clearly displaying a time set aside for questions or discussion in the Program.

Next when you address the Audience, repeat this information, speak slowly, watching your words sink in as you articulate the parameters. For instance, “We have 10 minutes for questions so that’s probably about 3 questions…”, or “Each person has  5 minutes to share their view. Any longer and I’ll have to gong you off (sound the gong to show consequences) to ensure everyone gets a chance” (stating context and appealing to universal fairness.)

After you’ve described the parameters and if you anticipate heated discussion, ask for everyone’s agreement up front and wait. Say nothing until you see a sea of agreements. This method uses group dynamics to enforce the parameters, rather than you.

And of course, you must stick to the parameters. No matter how scintillating the Question from the Audience, the same rules must be applied. If they stir strong interest within the group, suggest they meet later after the program is finished. This keeps the Event on track, provides options to continue the discussion and means Audience members build trust in your ability to handle the situation. It may also give individuals the confidence to speak out, knowing they too will get a fair go.

When you clearly and graciously take control as the MC and Event Coordinator by setting parameters in advance and reinforcing consistently throughout the Event, both Guest Speakers and Audience will relax and enjoy themselves under your firm guidance.

© 2011, Geraldine Barkworth. Geraldine Barkworth is a holistic public speaking coach for women in business. She shows clients how to connect with any audience by being real, raw and authentic, rather than perfect, polished and “powerpointed.”

Contact Geraldine at http://www.goddessofpublicspeaking.com.au/

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October Talk Tip

Posted on October 21, 2011 by @dmin_goddess

For an instant confidence boost before you speak, gently roll your shoulders back. This will straighten your spine, open your abdomen, chest, shoulders, throat and face. People interpret this open posture as confident, capable and approachable and will listen to you, figuring if you believe in you, there’s a good chance they will too.

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Shut Up & Let Your Body Talk

Posted on October 11, 2011 by @dmin_goddess

Blah, blah, blah… talk, hype, buzz, “like”, “totally”, “awesome”, “it’s all good”. It’s hard to hear anything of value when people speak to one another these days. Mouths are endlessly moving but  meaning is lost in the blah blah.

I know I hunger for something true, something juicy, something meaningful. And more words, even if they are clever words, aren’t the answer.

What I want, and what an audience wants,  is credibility and realness. Followed by a hefty dollop of “what’s in it for me” content. Is this something you want too? Hell, we’ve only got one life, let’s make the most of it.

Credibility & Realness In 5 Simple Steps

The key is to let your body talk for you. Actions do “speak louder than words”. We watch movement before we process word meaning. Make sure the messages your body sends to your audience are congruent with your verbal message.

Here’s how to create credibility and realness when you present:

1. Gently roll your shoulders back before you speak 1:1 or 1 to a group. This will open your abdomen, chest, shoulders , throat and face. People interpret this open posture as self confident, capable and receptive. They are more likely to listen to you, figuring if you believe in you, there’s good chance they will too.

2. Maintain gentle, neutral eye contact one person at a time. Focus on people who’s bodies are receptively listening to you. Stay with one person long enough to watch your words land on their face, for you to see the connection occur between you. Allowing yourself to stay still with one person at a time says without words, “I see you, I hear you, I am with you”. An audience / group feels respected when it knows the speaker is listening as well as speaking to them.

3. Keep a  stable, open leg stance if you are standing, or sit up straight if you are seated. If a strong wind arises, you won’t blow over and if there is critical interjection from the group you won’t crumble. A strong stance says without words, “I am capable of delivering and handling what ever comes my way.” This generates confidence, groundedness and a sense of permanence.

4. Take a breath, pause and slow down when you speak. There is no race to be won. People take speakers more seriously when they perceive the message is conveyed with gravitas. A pause is like a non verbal full-stop or comma. When you pause, it gives your listeners a chance to entrain with you, to match your pace and process your ideas. Offer choice, not imposition. By attending respectfully to the diversity of your group you convey, “I have something of importance to say, and I invite you to listen.”

5. Let natural hand, face and body gestures flow and underscore your words. If you describe something as “amazing”, express your amazement with your whole body. Eyes wide, mouth agape, fingers spread, shoulders lifted, a step back or  a breath in. The word “amaze” is just a word, one word lost in a long presentation of sentences, paragraphs and points. When you show “amaze” with your whole body, people feel it and it travels deep inside to connect emotionally, beyond their ears.

When an audience, group or your 1:1 friend connect emotionally with what you are saying and your words and your body match in meaning, you will have credibility and realness whenever you speak. And that’s precious in today’s “like totally awesome it’s all good” blah blah world.

On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate your credibility and realness when you speak? Do your words have impact and are people inspired to  follow through?

You can learn how to present your information with great credibility and realness when you speak (crazy that we have to “learn” how to be real isn’t it?) at our 4 Day Transformational Retreat for Women, 27-30 October, 2011.

© 2011, Geraldine Barkworth. Geraldine Barkworth is a holistic public speaking coach for women in business. She shows clients how to connect with any audience by being real, raw and authentic, rather than perfect, polished and “powerpointed.”

Contact Geraldine at http://www.goddessofpublicspeaking.com.au/

Posted in Audience Connection, Body Talk, Creating Trust and Rapport, featured, Presence, Public Speaking | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments